December
8, 2000 | In the rarified genre of movies based on board games,
Dungeons and Dragons distinguishes itself by being much funnier
than Clue (1985), a nominal comedy. Unfortunately, the humor
is mostly inadvertent - you laugh at, not with, this misbegotten enterprise
- and practically nonexistent during scenes that are intended as comic
relief.
A
singularly dopey gumbo of derivative fantasy-adventure, Middle Ages
production design and transparently fake CGI trickery, D&D
suggests what might have resulted if, somewhere between Bride of
the Monster and Plan 9 From Outer Space, the spectacularly
untalented Edward D. Wood had miraculously obtained better actors and
a bigger budget, and set out to film Lord of the Rings.
Screenwriters
Toper Lilien and Carroll Cartwright have labored mightily, though none
too imaginatively, to expand the basics of the board-game mythos into
a feature-length scenario. Their plot is set in and around the mythical
realm of Izmer, a land ruled by an oligarchy of wizardly folks known
as Mages. The beautiful young Empress Savina (Thora Birch, in a performance
of career-stalling ineptitude) wants to dissolve the boundaries between
Mages and commoners, to institute a true democracy. But her grand plans
are impeded by the evil Profion (Jeremy Irons), a haughty Mage with
a vested interest in preserving the status quo.
During
the opening minutes, as Irons makes his grand entrance by sweeping down
castle stairs like Bela Lugosi on amphetamines, first-time director
Courtney Solomon dangles the false promise of high-camp hilarity. Irons
thoroughly enjoys his own honey-baked hamminess, and it's easy to share
his amusement as he rants and raves in a sandpapered roar that sounds
like bad plumbing. Unfortunately, he isn't on camera often enough to
help matters very much.
Profion
and (mercifully) Empress Savina remain on the sidelines for long stretches
while D&D focuses on the heroic quest of Ridley Freeborn (Justin
Whalin), a resourceful thief who's bent on finding an ancient dragon-controlling
scepter that could help the empress keep Profion in his place.
Whalin
plays Ridley with all the smirky hunkiness that twentysomething actors
customarily evidence in teen-skewing shows on The WB. Even so, Whalin
is far less grating than Marlon Wayans, whose embarrassingly buffoonish
portrayal of Snails, Ridley's sidekick, puts one in mind of a medieval
Stepin Fetchit. Pressed into an ill-planned robbery by his buddy, Snails
wails: "I got a new name for dumb - Ridley. This is the Ridleyest
thing I've ever heard of!" Memo to Wayans: Don't be surprised if
your work here is excerpted for use by Spike Lee in Bamboozled II.
Ridley
and Snails are joined on their mission by Elwood Gutworthy (Lee Arenberg),
a surly dwarf; Norda (Kristen Wilson), a plucky elf; and Marina Pretensa
(Zoe McLellan), a novice Mage who's kinda-sorta easy on the eyes. These
good guys are pursued by an extremely bad guy, Damodar (Bruce Payne),
a burly Mr. Clean lookalike who wears iridescent lipstick that changes
color from scene to scene. The story ends back in Izmer, where hordes
of chintzy-looking flying dragons blacken the sky in an obvious preview
of the upcoming video-game spin-off. It is, quite simply, the Ridleyest
thing you'll see at the movies this year.